In today’s edition of “Kristen Grades the Hits” (never done this before, so I guess it’s the first edition), we’re taking a closer look at Taylor Swift’s chart-topping number “Bad Blood.” Overall, Taylor’s use of illustrative and gory descriptions of blood and knives and stab wounds paint a really graphic and awesome picture, but that wasn’t enough to give her more than a (barely) passing grade. C-
I have a few recent obsessions.
1. Zillow. Man, do I love me some Zillow. Sean and I are not in any sort of position to purchase a home, considering we just bought ours less than two years ago. But I still love it. I put in crazy filters, like “minimum of 17 bathrooms” or “812,000+ acres” just to see what comes up. Not much with those requirements, surprisingly. I just love to look, though. I love to see what other people’s homes look like on the inside. That’s kinda creepy, isn’t it?
2. HGTV, specifically Fixer Upper and Rehab Addict. Joanne and Chip Gaines are cute, even though sometimes I wonder how Joanne puts up with Chip’s incessant nonsense. I, personally, am not a fan of nonsense. Sean can confirm.
Open concept is THE THING right now. It’s a buzzword of epic proportions. These crazy couples on HGTV (whom, I’ll admit, I am not convinced are old enough to legally live without adult supervision) refuse to look at homes with walls. “NO WALLS!” they demand, in their tiny toddler voices. “EN SUITE!” they scream, while the rest of us wonder what the hell that means and why it’s not spelled phonetically. Must be French. French people are cray.
We have decided as a society that walls are bad, that our kitchens, living rooms, dining rooms and backyards must all be smooshed together. But when I say smooshed, make no mistake, I do not mean to imply these spaces are meant to be crowded or small or cramped. These homes, devoid of walls, are meant to be massive.
You can put a couch over here, in front of the giant fireplace, and a 90″ TV over there to the right with a few dozen love seats around it for optimal viewing, and this other corner over here is perfect for a “reading nook” and a few “built-ins” (built-in what? Doesn’t matter; the built-in thing will be ATTACHED TO THE HOUSE! YAY!), and over here you can actually sit at these stools and watch your lady cook something at the big range stove that’s floating in the middle of the kitchen, a few acres away from the refrigerator. And look at that beautiful exposed brick!
The fridge, by the way, opens up like a glorious bald eagle with a 12.5 foot wingspan. Each shelf is stocked with fresh kale smoothies and alfalfa sprouts. The man gets one drawer for a few beers, but not to worry: he has his own open concept space in the basement, except that it’s called a “man cave” and it includes a 180″ TV (for all the sports-watchin’). No women allowed in the man cave, lololol!
My house is fine. It’s big enough. It’s cute, even. Original hardwood floors! From the 1950s! But man, do we have some walls. Walls everywhere. So many doors and walls and rooms. It’s kind of a bummer.
I’m not making fun. Not really. Because my confession is that I WANT ONE OF THESE HOUSES. I want one so bad, I can’t look away. HGTV has convinced me that I need a home without walls, so I’ve started identifying which walls in my house I can destroy. I think I may just rip out the whole back wall of the home so it’s like, open to the yard. We can put in a bunch of screens to keep bugs out, and maybe even take off the roof to let in more sun. Think of all the extra square footage! RESALE VALUE THROUGH THE ROOF, MOFOS!
Have you watched this show? It stars Detective McNulty (and he’s a swimmer, so you get to see him shirtless an awful lot), Pacey Witter (#teamPacey) and a woman I’ve never seen in anything else but whom I really, really love as an actress. Her name is Ruth Wilson.
Anyway, the show’s okay. It’s okay enough that Sean and I watched the entire season. It makes you think about yourself. It makes you think about your relationship (if you have one) and what you would do in certain scenarios. It makes you think about perception and detail and timelines and events and what happens if you see something one way but the most important person in your life sees it another way. Do you learn to see it their way, too?
But that all doesn’t matter nearly as much as the show’s opening sequence and Fiona Apple’s incredible (INCREDIBLE) song. My god, this song. It’ll twist its claws into your brain and never, ever let go. And you’ll listen to it once or twice and then come back an hour later and listen again, hearing something new each time, something that resonates so hard that you rewind and listen once more. You’ll think of the waves and the ocean and all of the poets who’ve tried to use the ocean’s ebbing and flowing tide as an analogy for life or love or death. They all failed miserably in the face of Fiona.
Yeah. I like this song. Go listen to it.