Good afternoon! Today is Thursday, I think, and the date is January something-or-other. It’s snowing pretty hard out there, and it’s also very cold. I know both of these things because I have nerve endings that alert me to the temperature, and I have eyeballs that can see the accumulating snow outside, but also because every single person I’ve seen today has confirmed that yes, it’s snowing pretty hard out there, and yes, it’s very cold.
So be careful, guys. It’s snowing pretty hard out there, and it’s very cold.
Alright, enough about the weather. Let’s talk about this unemployment thing. Are you currently unemployed? Are you desperately looking for a job? Are you tired of sitting on the couch, sending resumes, editing cover letters, and getting shitty job offers for like, 50% less than what you were making before? Because I am. I’m tired of it, and it’s only been a few weeks.
Here are some tips to surviving unemployment that come straight from my brain. I’ve implemented each of these in my personal unemployed life, and so far it’s going fairly well. The bouts of sobbing have stopped almost entirely.
Get a dog.
This one might seem counter-productive, since dogs cost money and you have no income. Dude, live a little. Do it anyway. If you go bankrupt, whatever, it’ll be totally worth it. Dogs are the best. When you’re feeling a little despondent, you can just curl up on the living room floor with your pup and spoon for a while until the weeping stops. And you don’t even have to worry about getting dog hair all over your clothes, because who the fuck cares? You haven’t seen another human being in weeks anyway.
Drink lots of coffee.
Just start drinking coffee as soon as you wake up at noon, and keep drinking it all day long. This incessant coffee consumption will remind your body what it was like to actually need caffeine in order to perform a specific paid function in an office environment, which will in turn trick your brain into believing you aren’t a huge drain on society.
We all know you haven’t eaten a real meal in days, and the excessive amount of coffee you’re drinking is destroying the lining of your stomach. Counteract these health risks by searching YouTube for an easy-to-do at-home pilates session.
You don’t have to actually do the pilates video. Just bookmark the video and think about possibly doing it tomorrow or sometime next week or in 2015 or whatever.
Read a lot of celebrity gossip.
I found out today that Jay Mohr made a bunch of rude comments about Alyssa Milano’s weight. I didn’t even know who Alyssa Milano and Jay Mohr were until this morning, but now I absolutely hate Jay Mohr! What a dick! How DARE he? Doesn’t he KNOW that Alyssa Milano recently had a BABY!?!?! God. Asshole.
For this to be effective, you have to be completely over-the-top and unreasonable in your emotional reaction to these celebrity stories. Channel that unreasonable anger toward the random celebrity in question (you can do this by shaking your fist at a picture of the celebrity on your computer screen, for example), which will help you release the aggression you’ve been suppressing since you lost your job. Doing this regularly will also effectively prevent you from exploding unnecessarily at your partner and/or pets when they do something really annoying like blink their eyes or breathe too loudly.
Watch Dr. Phil.
I absolutely 100% guarantee that watching an episode of Dr. Phil each day will improve your self-esteem. Next time you’re facing a difficult decision, ask yourself, “what would Dr. Phil do?” Nine times out of ten, the answer to that question will be “exploit the shit out of someone else’s misfortune on national television in order to make money,” so just always do the opposite of that in life and you’ll be okay.
So you’ve only been awake so far today for 92 minutes. Who cares? You’ve been working hard every day your entire adult life since high school graduation. Doesn’t your body deserve a break? Go ahead. Sleep a little bit more. Just make sure to be awake by 7 PM, because the Blackhawks play the Islanders tonight and it’s probably gonna be a massacre you don’t want to miss.
You don’t have to actually buy stuff. Just go browse on Amazon for a few hours and dream about all the cool stuff you’ll buy when you have a job again. Oh wait. Holy shit! They sell cat litter on Amazon! OK, might as well buy cat litter on Amazon because that shit is heavy and you’ll waste gas driving to the pet store anyway. It makes fiscal sense. Huh. It says right here that you’ll save an additional 10% if you sign up for Amazon Prime, and you’ll get free shipping. It’s only like, $70 a year. That’s not bad. You don’t really need groceries, do you? Go ahead. Sign up for Amazon Prime. You’ll make that $70 back with free shipping in no time.
You know, now that you have free shipping, might as well grab a few more things you’ve been neglecting. Like those cool bookends you’ve been eyeing for your home office that gets no use whatsoever because you’re unemployed now.
Keep a positive attitude.
Practice positive self-talk. Look deep into your own eyes (a mirror is useful for this) and say things like, “I am strong. I am capable. I am competent. I am pretty fucking sexy.” You know, whatever pops into your head that makes you feel good about yourself.
This might sound corny, but it actually works. If nothing else, you will notice how tangled your hair is and consider running a comb through it real quick. Also, brush your teeth. That’s just gross.
When your cell phone finally rings and you’re asked to come in for an interview, go take a long, hot shower. Shampoo at least twice because trust me, once won’t be enough. Go get a haircut. And for god’s sake, trim your fingernails and remember how to use tweezers because you’re starting to look a little bit homeless.
OK, I think that’s about it! That’s all you have to do to survive unemployment. Not too difficult, right? Don’t worry. Things will get better. Just draw the blinds, avoid fresh air, and hide from the sunlight for a bit. Somebody will want to hire you eventually.