OK. Fine. I’ll admit why I voted for Obama.
I hate to admit it, but all you crazy conservatives blabbing all over social media about our nation’s ‘travesty’ are actually correct. I voted for President Obama because:
1. I want to quit my job and mooch off the government. I don’t need to work hard when I can just go on welfare and make a few hundred dollars a month instead, right? That sounds like an awesome lifestyle.
2. I want to get dozens of abortions. No, hundreds! And I want the government to pay for all of them, because why not?
3. He’s black! And he’s cool! Isn’t it so cool that we have a black president? Racism is totally gone for good now!
4. I have a vagina, and therefore I’m not very good at math. I don’t even pay attention to the budget or the national debt or the economy because I am always on my period and my hormones are FUCKING INSANE.
5. I bought in to the lies propagated by the liberally-biased media. Unbeknownst to me, there is a vast conspiracy occurring, folks. If only I’d watched more Fox News leading up to the election, I would’ve known the truth.
6. I am all for Big Bloated Government. This was a tricky decision, though, and I had to ask myself: do I want my Big Bloated Government to help fund disaster relief efforts (like Hurricane Sandy, for example), or do I want my Big Bloated Government to get all up in my uterus while it tells me who I can (or can’t) marry?
7. I’m just a single-issue voter. I guess I neglected to take into account how this election would affect privileged wealthy straight white men? OOPS.
8. I hate God. I mean, I just can’t stand that guy.
HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF to finally get this all off my chest! It has been so fucking exhausting the past few weeks, pretending I actually know how to read and research facts and statistics and data about each candidate and make an informed and logical decision!