My team traveled to Buffalo, NY on Friday night to play a couple of games against some local women’s teams. We did really well (we’re not having a great season, so it was nice to win a few), but this one thing happened a couple of times, and I can’t stop thinking about it (mostly because I’m still feeling the effects today).
The games were pretty low-key. There were very few penalties, no shit-talking (at least not directed at me), and no scuffles or fights or punches thrown. However, I got crotched twice, and a teammate of mine got crotched once, too. And I really, really want to know what the hell goes through a woman’s mind before she does something so awful to another woman.
Getting crotched is exactly what it sounds like. Some bozo on the other team puts her hockey stick in between your legs and yanks, in an upwards motion, as hard she can. As you can imagine, this is incredibly painful. I’m playing senior women’s rec hockey. This isn’t the Stanley Cup. This isn’t the Olympics. There is literally no grand prize on the line if you lose to my team. Nothing. All you lose is a hockey game that nobody will remember an hour later.
So, in honor of the recent trend of writing open letters (I’m lookin’ at you, Miley and Sinead), I want to write an open letter to the woman who tried to cut my vagina off with her hockey stick yesterday. Ahem:
That’s a pretty good number. Did you know that Jeremy Roenick used to wear #27? He was my favorite player as a kid. Unlike you, though, he was talented and athletic. So the number on the back of your jersey is really the only likeness you share with the legendary Hawks centerman.
Also, surprisingly enough, Jeremy Roenick has never hit me in the vagina with a hockey stick. This bizarre and, frankly, horrifying behavior on your part has left me no choice but to assume that in your non-hockey life, you are a serial killer. I can come up with no other explanation as to why you would deem it perfectly normal to try to injure another woman’s reproductive organs, except that you enjoy hurting others. That’s not a good sign. I hope no neighborhood cats have gone missing where you live, because chances are, you are responsible for their demise.
If we ever play against your team again, I won’t retaliate. I’ll score a bunch of goals against you, because you’re slow as shit, but I won’t hurt you or anything. Because I am an adult (and also because you terrify me and I love my cats very much).
For you young hockey players at home, DON’T INTENTIONALLY HIT OPPOSING PLAYERS IN THE CROTCH WITH YOUR STICK. It’s dirty as hell and makes you look like a serial killer. Thank you in advance.
You know how some jerseys have a stop sign on the back to try and deter cheap hits from behind? Maybe we need to incorporate this idea.