Sean and I were driving home from Michigan this afternoon when this horrid screechy noise began emanating from my car’s speakers. It took me a few seconds to realize there was not actually a dying pelican trapped under my steering wheel, and I began to make out some words:
Oh, this is how it starts
lightning strikes the heart
goes off like a gun
brighter than the sun
Sean and I are not fools. We know bullshit when we hear it.
Sean: What does this even mean? This is nonsensical noise. So she’s getting a defibrillator to the heart, a bullet to the chest plate and then smacked with a nuclear flash? Who is this?
Me: I think it’s Colbie Caillait. She’s a terrible songwriter and not much of a singer. I have no idea why she’s famous.
It was, in fact, Colbie Caillat. If you don’t know who she is,
bully for you she is also the genius behind a song called “Bubbly,” which includes this lyrical gem:
‘Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place
Sean: Well, she’s pretty hot.
Me: Yeah, sure, if you find the whole blonde-haired blue-eyed long-limbed surfer look hot. She loses hotness points for being named after cheese, though.
Sean: Can you imagine being named after cheese? It’d be so terrible.
Me: Hi, I’m Fromunda U. Johnson! How’re you?
Sean: Nice to meet you! My name is Gouda Smith. Have you met my friend Gorgonzola Matthews?
Me: The pleasure is mine, Gorgonzola. Allow me to introduce you to my pal Goat.
And so it goes.
Today is Black Friday, a holy celebration that began in November of 1847 when a man named Mr. Black Roberto Friday busted down a door and was able to steal a bunch of donkeys for half their value. Ever since that fateful day over 100 years ago, Americans have memorialized Mr. Friday by completely foregoing etiquette and common sense and instead opting for steep discounts and ‘door busters’ the day after Thanksgiving every year.
If you’re anything like me, you are sitting on your couch, sans bra, fantasizing about Mr. Friday and wondering what the hell a door buster is. If you figure it out, please let me know. In the mean time, feel free to peruse the following online shopping guide I put together for those of you who have no interest in busting down doors to save a few bucks.
Item 1: Denim maxi dress, $149.95
For the super low price of $150, you too can be the proud owner of this truly baffling denim maxi dress. The missing shoulder fabric adds an air of mystery that will surely keep the townspeople guessing (“What the fuck is she wearing?”), and the deep slit up the front will let the boyz know you are open for bizness. Via Free People.
Item 2: Montreal Canadiens sweater, $4.99
This super cool Montreal Canadiens sweatshirt has been marked way down after a recent wood chipper accident. The shirt has requested that you respect its privacy during this difficult time. Via Urban Outfitters.
Item 3: Chambray jumpsuit, $48
This adorable ittle onesie will challenge you to look your very best in spite of your outfit. The unflattering cinched openings at the shin will make you look shorter than you are, so pair it with a nude pump to elongate your legs. Make sure to pull up the strapless top every 36 seconds so it’s apparent to everybody around you how uncomfortable you are. The blasé color will definitely clash with your skin tone, so make sure to wear lots of bright clown makeup. Via American Apparel.
Item 4: Mullet tank, $19.99
This pretty purple tank top looks perfectly normal from the front, which is why it’s so fucking cool. Nobody will suspect the wrinkly ball sack hanging from the back! Via Urban Outfitters.
Item 5: This thing, $16.99
Via Urban Outfitters.
Item 6: This other thing, $9.95
Via Free People.
Item 7: I don’t even know, $130
Perfect for that upcoming Christmas party. Also ideal for decorating your closet with things you will never wear. Via Free People.
If you have any questions about the items above, feel free to e-mail me. I won’t answer your e-mails, obviously, but maybe it’ll help to get it all off your chest.
We’ll never forget you, Mr. Friday. RIP.
I feel bad for models. I really do. I mean, they’re skinny and beautiful and get paid lots of money to strut down a runway or get photographed looking gorgeous, which is probably nice. Sounds easy enough. But sometimes they have to wear the ugliest shit I’ve ever seen.
I mean, look at this stuff. People actually pay money to wear these monstrosities? (Customer reviews on the right.)
Really? It’s the stripes that are giving you pause here? I personally take issue with the fact that it’s a spandex flare-legged onesie for adults.
P.S. That’s not how you spell horizontal.
Wait, the XS size was way too big on you? Question: are you a garden gnome? Follow up question: are you an exhibitionist garden gnome? Because these shorts aren’t leaving much to the imagination.
Lord have mercy. I didn’t really read the product description too closely, but I’m pretty sure these pants are constructed out of hippie doorway beads and the braided stems of hemp leaves.
You lose points for 1. your irritating overuse of ellipses in your comment and 2. the fact that you purchased a puffy-sleeved denim curtain masquerading as a dress in the first place. However, your review made me laugh and laugh and laugh so maybe we can be friends after all.
You dropped nearly $500 on these boots (I’m using the term ‘boots’ loosely here). You are clearly very stupid. You have nobody to blame but yourself.
This outfit nearly gave me an aneurysm. That isn’t a customer review up there, by the way. That’s my own review. There were no actual customer reviews for this one, I assume because nobody was moronic enough to spend their hard-earned cash on any of these items and then publicly admit it on the internet.
JUST KIDDING. That review was also made up. But Christ on a cracker! The shorts are so far up in this poor girl’s business. I hope she files for worker’s comp.
(Did you enjoy this? Read even more ridiculous customer reviews here.)